The Need to Unlearn Possessiveness in Affection

Clara Jack
2 min readSep 2, 2022


Recently, I was interviewed for my experience with polyamory and a friend also asked me to expatiate what I know on the matter. I will share now.

Polyamory is the state of romance where you see more that one person at the same time. I learned mostly on my own that polyamory starts as a state of mind. You cannot entertain jealousy or possessiveness and want to truly try polyamory. You will collapse in on yourself.

Polyamory on one side of the table, even in monogamy one cannot hold love too tightly. Before writing this memoir I went to twitter to look for a tweet that resonates with this so much but I couldn’t find it. However, what I gained from it is this; as much as longevity is desired, we should learn to experience people rather than cage them.

I personally know how difficult separating possession from affection is because people can be awesome and you want that in your life. But this is a person not a charm bracelet. Remember.

This memoir was heavily inspired by my method of practicing romance and the miles carter piece “everything you are”.

There’s this short adage that says if you hold sand too tightly, it slips away from your hand. I genuinely believe that as a race of gojos girls we have outgrown the need to pair affection with possession. We need to learn how to practice our love without making it a prison. It’s giving shackles. When this becomes one of the ways you operate, you’ll realize that when you make room for someone else doesn’t mean there’s less for you.

Of all the lines in Carter’s work, I will quote a few. “How selfish of me to think I could be everything for you”, “When you love something, you discover an appreciation for it knowing that something so beautiful and so vast could never belong only to you” (this is particularly one of my favorite lines because it enforces the notion that people are to be experienced in their entirety not as an extension of yourself), “…I am learning to adore you from three steps back wanting to experience this life with you”

Its really a wonderful piece and one I would totally recommend for anyone trying to get better at being a lover (should be listened to with ‘When love arrives’ by Sarah & Phil Kaye). Being a lover is one of the most worthwhile things so I believe it should be done intentionally and mindfully.