What died didn’t stay dead. I realize that now that I’m looking at her and nothing in me that can will me to look away. She looks so beautiful in this light. But I have to focus. I have to tell her that I will finally be done with this back and forth and move on with my life.
It seems like no time has passed at all. It seems like the first day is today even thought it’s been 7 years. Seven years of us meeting at different points and different versions of ourselves. Sometimes I knock she doesn’t answer, sometimes she knocks and I don’t answer. Sometimes we both knock and no one answers. The Christmas of 3 Years ago where I knocked and she let me in. She let me in and she swallowed me. Not for one second did I not feel like it was the best I had ever been.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to look at only me all night”
Her voice still makes me jerk. She’s smiling down at me and I fake a “I’m sorry-“
“Well I mean it is a fashion show. Look at all the other models Luce”
“I am. I mean I was well now I’m looking at you”
“I can see that” she’s smiling at me very wryly. God please help me.
“What have you been up to” I ask her to fill the silence.
“I meant outside the fashion show Ingrid” she laughed and said she knew what I meant. She was trying to be funny.
We spoke through the half time and I reckon that meeting past lovers is never easy. Not for me. Because I never let go of anybody entirely. There’s always a backdoor, always a fire escape and I carry each of them every day for the rest of my life. Her especially.
“Did you find what you were looking for in January of that year”
“Yes Ingrid. I was looking for God and I found him”
“Nah you don’t find God. God finds you. God finds you in the places you don’t think he should be. Like in holding hands”
“Works differently sometimes Ingrid”
“Oh I know that. I really do. I have to go now. Catch you after the show?”
“I don’t think so Ingrid I want to finally have the courage to walk away from you. It’s been too long”
She looks at me knowingly and smiles as she gets up to return backstage.
“Well then Luce, My earnest prayer is that everytime you call God there will be an answer. There’s always one for me”
“Thank you Ingrid and I pray your answers never stop coming”
“Good. Your prayer is working”
I will never be free.