Late bloom- Fall
I’m a late bloomer in every sense of the phrase. So to dissect many parts of it, i among most things am constantly waiting my whole life to feel a certain way. The way most people felt after finishing high school is the way I feel right now. The lives they led then, I am just starting and sometimes it feels like I will explode.
On one day right before uni, I was reading the dictionary, yes I am odd but i came across my best word, |ineffable|. It means a feeling too good to be described in words. In closing this chapter of my life, that is how I have felt largely. That is, on the grande scheme.
On graduation day however I didn’t feel that way. I felt anxious, I felt somehow like everyone was running and I was last. I felt this way because I was waiting for the excitement to hit me. I was relieved to be leaving a place that gave me so much ptsd and curtailed expression, but I know when I am happy and I didn’t feel it. I struggle with anxiety. I have ever since 2018 which is basically my entire adult life and a large reason as to why this is because I am constantly waiting. I developed this savior complex or desire to control everything so I do not feel like the last person. It did not go down well with ex boyfriends but I didn’t shed any of it until I met the people my soul had been waiting to love my entire life.
Back in high school, on one of the last days, one of the very first people who felt like mine told me “Clara don’t always happen to things, let life happen to you”. I struggle with anxiety. I have ever since 2018 which is basically my entire adult life and a large reason as to why this is because I am constantly waiting. I developed this savior complex or desire to control everything so I do not feel like the last person. It did not go down well with ex boyfriends but I didn’t shed any of it until I met the people my soul had been waiting to love my entire life.
Back in high school, on one of the last days, one of the very first people who felt like mine told me “Clara don’t always happen to things, let life happen to you”.
I am a very strong believer in the fact that we make our own way in this life but that way is full of people.
That is what I am taking away from university. I will lay my law degree to rest a bit but I think the important thing is that in these walls, I found myself. I found my love, my heart, my spirit, my soul, my people. People are the only thing that ever truly happens to us. My friend was right. I let life happen to me and me and my people, we found each other in a myriad of chaos.
To love people is a very consuming thing that’s why it’s very terrifying for many people. My friends form a massive part of my life and I would not have it any other way. This is because I believe that anybody can go through anything as long as they do not do it alone.
These people have seen me at every possible low and every untouchable high. They know my heart like it were their own and anticipate my needs even before I need them. That’s love. It was in these walls someone once told me; “You are the only wonderful person I know” and another said; “I do not think I can say in words the way I love you”.
I only ever look for truth and certainty in love and my friends give me That. They’ve opened their hearts and lives to me. Allowed me intertwine my lives with theirs and taken care of me so much sometimes when they’re not physically there, I can curl up in a ball and cry. I remember in August when I was grieving. I told my friend how I was feeling and she said “I just have to see you and you’ll feel better” she wasn’t lying. Human connection is the groundwork of why we are here. I am full of contentment that I understood the assignment.
Among the congratulatory messages, someone called me an impressive human being. Because I held several positions in uni, made a great result etc. All those are great and I do not take them lightly. I thank God for brilliance, timing and opportunity. What however stuck is that people will remember to remember me. Please my darlings when you read this I am shamelessly begging you that I do not want to do life without you ever. You know how dramatic I am, I’ll be there to hold your hand when you want to yank out a bad tooth or when you break up with a partner or when you want to yell at your boss. I am actively investing in FaceTime and in person visits because I have always entertained the thought of running away from my life until this moment. My life is mine. My wholesome, loud, so dramatic it could win an Emmy life. It is full, it is terrifying but I have fought for it and it is mine. Thank you for happening to me my darlings. Do not let me fall down and tear my khaki in camp. I love you. Ever so truly, ever so purely, ever so loudly. I would go to this university a thousand lifetimes over if there is even a 10% chance I would get to meet you for the very first time. Planking on your bed after a rainy day, taking selfies by your room window, sharing a new album with me, passing your best friend food through my window, being the stranger whom I was supposed to share a room with, being the tall girl who helped me shelf my box, being the only other new student, meeting you at a picnic, crying to stitches, being the only other person in the room obsessed with marvel as much as I, meeting you at the doctors when you a bad toe, sitting beside each other in class doing everything but listening. For the big and little leagues I’d do it all again and more than not forget I would remember every single moment.